Do’s and Don’ts of Divorced Parents (Who Don’t Get Along)

The Q: “Hi:  My sister is getting married next summer, and I think she’s looking through rose-colored glasses when it comes to our parents, who split up when we were in grade school…My sister says, “They get along fine.”  Well, yes, they get along fine because they have absolutely zero contact.  They’ve spoken less than half a dozen times over the last 15 years.

Mom loathes stepmom, who she believes torpedoed her marriage to dad.  They have never spoken.  Dad and stepmom have two children who are almost teenagers; Mom has never met them and refuses to even talk about them….
I foresee a lot of tension and awkwardness, especially regarding pictures and seating.  My sister just believes that they’re all adults and will act nicely.  Do you think this is realistic?  What should she do to reduce the potential landmines in this situation?”  Thanks for your help, Sister of the Bride

The A: WOW!  Ok, no, I don’t think that this will be as smooth as your sister imagines, and in fact, to be honest, I am less worried about incident than I am about tension.  In general, specific to your situation, if at all possible, try not to have the wedding day be the very first time everyone is around one another.  I can’t foresee a leisurely dinner at your local bistro to toast the engagement, but at the very least, be sure to have a rehearsal and have all hands on deck at the rehearsal dinner. Better to get this out in the open and avoid any surprises.  We once had a bride who didn’t want her semi-estranged dad to walk her down the aisle, but no one told him that until we were at the rehearsal.  You could have cut the tension with a knife, but on the day of the wedding, everyone fell in line and knew exactly what to expect.

Speaking more generally, here are my “Do’s and Don’ts” to avoid Divorced Parent Disasters.

DO Delegate Planning Activities: Anticipate some tensions as you plan, especially if you were close to your stepmother. From the beginning, decide who is going to be a part of what. Give one person (probably mom) the attire”beat” and one the floral and personal flower beat.  Meaning, mom would be invited to dress shop and fittings, etc.  While step mom would come see floral sample (or invitations). Don’t get them both involved in all projects.  Also, if both Mom and Dad are contributing to the wedding financially, decide on what their budgets are and outline the areas that they will cover. This will prevent them from asking too much about “how much is your mother giving.

DO Educate your Parents about Etiquette: Talk with them IN ADVANCE about the concerns that you have and let them know how you want to handle things so that nothing comes as a surprise and you manage expectations in advance.  i.e.  “Step mom, I talked to a wedding coordinator, and she said that my mother is traditionally the last guest to sit at the reception before the bridal party enters, so let’s have you enter a bit before escorted by So and So.”

DO Remember MOM’s place: This is probably the MOST stressful area, because it’s when people feel the most on display. Three guidelines to make it clear cut.  Your mom is the last guest seated before the bridal party starts processing (unless it’s a Jewish ceremony when she should enter with you).  She is the first of the parents to recess at the end.  She is the first person announced into the reception(or simply skip this, and remove the stress) and if your mother is un-attached or without a date,she should always have a mutually pre-determined escort for all of the moments above.

DO Make a Shotlist and Timetable See preventative conversation, but also create a DETAILED shot list which outlines EXACT conversations and splits photos with mom’s side into a distinctly different shoot than photos with dad’s side. I suggest all photos being done in advance if possible, preferably close to the ceremony site (before alcohol is served) and assigning people different arrival times.  For instance the person with the smallest extended family is invited to arrive at 4PM at photo location (mom,Aunt Vera,Uncle Steve,Cousin Rob) followed by arrival the groom’s family and Dad at 4:15.  Have a quick photo (if you want it) of bride with both Mom and Dad, but avoid if not desperately necessary.  Mom is now free to mingle or return to bridal suite, etc.  at 4:30 have the extended family of your dad arrive.

DON’T Revise History They’ve had a long hard road together that has had an impact on everyone.  Don’t try to force a lot of togetherness and don’t sugar coat for your in-laws.  You don’t need to delve into details, but the more upfront you are with everyone about the coldness between them, the less stressful this will be for everyone (think preparedness)

DON’T Use this as a platform for Reconciliation This is ultimately about the joining of two people in love with a pledge for life.  Not a time to try and clear the air or forge bonds or mend fences.  Keep the focus on the wedding and don’t let others stray into that other territory either.

DON’T Make the Reception a “Parade of Toasts” Limit the number of people who will speak at the reception to the barest minimum.  I suggest just your best man and maid of honor.  Don’t open yourself up to dealing with negotiating hurt feelings or censorship of toasts.

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