The Q: This is such a weird issue…. that is sort of wedding related. I am Catholic, and I’m marrying someone who isn’t Catholic. My mother had a bit of an issue with this, that she has been kind of passive aggressively addressing with me by asking questions about how people get married if not in a church and that kind of thing. Since my mother isn’t really helping pay for the wedding, I’ve been letting it go in one ear and out the other.
The thing is though that now that my fiance and I are living together, we mutually decided to NOT put up a Christmas tree. It wasn’t that big of a deal to give up since I can see decorations all around town and I think for my fiance having a tree in his house felt like a big step towards celebrating a holiday he doesn’t have a religious belief in… a lot bigger deal than going to a Christmas dinner. My mom asked when we were putting up our tree and I explained that we weren’t going to do one. Well, you would think that my mother was being personally stabbed in the heart by this. She has been telling everyone in my family who will listen that I’ve given up Christmas. We aren’t. Actually, we are supposed to be spending the day with her and my siblings, even though it’s not a holiday that my fiance celebrates. She lives nearby and is constantly stopping over to drop off ornaments and I’m getting worried that she is going to try and give us a tree or something.
I would normally just ignore her, but I’m worried that this is the first step in a bigger issue that will rear it’s head around our wedding. What do you think we should do?
The A: Sometimes, I think it’s easy to ignore parents being annoying in the moment, or to keep them in the dark about things that you think might upset them, but USUALLY long term, it’s better to over-inform them and rip the band aid off in one fell swoop. Less worried about the wedding am I than concerned about life after the wedding and how your mom will handle your decisions concerning religion and any children you guys may decide to have.
I think, (and you can opt to wait until AFTER the holidays to have this conversation, but certainly don’t wait too long) you need to sit down and explain to your mom the reasons WHY you decided not to put up the Christmas tree and also probably remind her that Christmas isn’t actually about a tree (it’s about spending money… Kidding!), so not putting up a tree doesn’t mean that you aren’t participating in Christmas, it just means you aren’t participating in a symbol of Christmas.
Ultimately, like a lot of people, your mom is just worried that things are changing. Probably she is concerned that marrying someone who has different traditions will create distance between you. Or, she may be worried that she won’t get to celebrate Christmas with her grandchildren when and if you have them. So, since her actions are most likely based in the anxiety of the unknown, you should fill her in on as much as possible. Reassure her that you will both be at the family Christmas celebration and remind her of the celebrations that your fiance’s family has around their faith. It might not be a bad idea to tell her your thoughts about the ceremony, even if it’s simply going to be non-denominational. If you two have spoken about how you want to handle faith and your children, you may want to fill her in on that too, so that she knows that you’ve thought about it and so that she starts to wrap her head around it now. BUT, more than anything, you have to remind her that you are an adult and that these are decisions you have thought about and made and she has to at least make an attempt to respect them. And, of course, that bringing over the ornaments isn’t going to somehow change that, though it is an award winning passive aggressive gesture!
Good luck. I think with a firm stand and a thoughtful conversation you may end up being glad that you dealt with these unspoken (but clearly apparent issues) now instead of watching it drag out for months leading up to the wedding. Or you may find that this is the first time of many that you have this same conversation with your mom, but, at the very worst, you’ll get better at it!
Great advice – and you should also remind your mother of the upside for her: if you married someone whose family celebrated Christmas, you’d probably have to spend alternating years with his family and with yours. This way, she gets Christmas with you (and future grandchildren) every year all to herself!
I would def. talk to her about the issue because it sounds like it has the potential of becoming a problem on the wedding day and you want to make your wedding how you want it: perfect!
Well if you really love him, you need to make a compromise.