Two days after Mayra got engaged, after the good news was shared and a proper manicure was had, she had an anxiety attack and burst into tears. After 8 years of working with brides, the only thing surprising about this was that it happened so soon; if I had a nickel for every bride I’ve seen with the post-Ring blues….
What Mayra knew, and what takes most gals a few weeks to figure out, is that once the bauble was placed on her finger and the news was made public, whatever private wedding fantasy she may have been harboring in her mind had to meet it’s sworn enemy: Reality. This battle looks different for every bride. “ Lavish Wedding Dreams I’ve Had Since a Girl” vs. “Lack of Funds” is common. “Intimate Destination Wedding” vs. “Mom and Dad’s Guest list and Power of the Purse String” is also popular. The most frequent form Reality seems to take though is “Harmonious, Kumbaya, Spirits” vs. “Dysfunctional Family Members” or “Angry, Divorced Parents”. Money, parents, culture, religion, language, even the Groom himself (and all his opinions) can all put a damper on the boundless joy that people expect from the woman who has just gotten a ring!
Whenever I see BBB (bad Bride behavior), either in person or on TV, nearly universally I see a woman who refused to give up the battle between wedding fantasy and reality, no matter how badly she was losing. She might be making herself miserable, stressing and fighting every step of the way, but by George, she is a Bride and her wedding fantasies are going to come true!
The problem is weddings only strengthen Reality; it’s a symbiotic relationship that laughs in the face of the fantasy. If you are worried about money, weddings only emphasize that worry. If your family doesn’t get along, the wedding only creates more opportunities for them to interact. If your in laws are dominating and maybe a bit over-bearing, well it isn’t going to go away because your “officially” part of the family now.
On the day of the Royal Wedding, I awoke at 3AM for mimosas and fascinators. As Kate Middleton started her walk down the massive aisle at Westminster Abbey, I had a thought: What if she never wanted something like this? I turned to Mayra and said “Imagine if she’d always fantasized about a tiny, seaside wedding.” She replied, “Well, she had to get on board with this plan quickly!”
The wise woman knows that there is a wide gulf between Fantasizing About a Wedding and Actually Getting Married. It’s totally OK and normal to get the blues when Reality strikes and you have to let go of the wedding you imagined in your mind. Take a night trolling wedding porn (the blogs, the shows) and mourn the ideas you had in your head. But the trick to being the Happy Bride is to let go of the fantasy, and embrace the enemy! Trust me, it’s easier that way.
“Whenever I see BBB (bad Bride behavior), either in person or on TV, nearly universally I see a woman who refused to give up the battle between wedding fantasy and reality, no matter how badly she was losing.”
This is so true! I don’t understand brides who stick to an inflexible vision of a wedding – especially one they dreamed up before they even met the groom, who, really, ought to be a significant factor in shaping the wedding.
If when we were little we wanted to be pilot, but then grew up and realised we didn’t like shift work, we wouldn’t keep trying to shoehorn a job that doesn’t fit into our lives. So I don’t understand why brides who want huge weddings, when declaring their undying love for their husbands who hate the limelight, can’t see their way to compromising. It should be about both of you. And if only one person dreamed up the whole thing, it can’t be.
This could not be more true! I’ve been engaged since April and I’d say I spent the better half of the first two months crying!
I wanted an absurdly small ceremony (50 people or less)…but I’m marrying the only son of Greek immigrants. (Yes, everything is EXACTLY like the movie!)
I recently read a quote about weddings that helped me to relax: “You’re planning a party, not an event. If at the end of the day you’re celebrating with friends and family, you win.”